How I learned how to make better decisions

Here’s one of the stupidest things you can say to another, “ if I were you, then I would…”

I have been guilty of saying this but the more I hear it said to me, the more it irks me, and I make a promise to myself that I won’t say it to another again.

First of all, to state the obvious but we forget, they are not us and we are not them.

Then why do we say this?

Or even worse, why do we believe someone when they tell us what we should do?

We often look to others for advice about our lives and the decisions we need to make.

There is nothing wrong with this in healthy doses but when does it become unhealthy?

How I learned to make better decisions.

1) Asking ourselves first always needs to be the first step

I ask myself first now. Like a weak muscle, with this training, it’s getting stronger over time. I started with small questions like “am I still hungry”, “do I need rest first before carrying on”, or “do I really want to go out tonight.”

These are the usual type of questions over a course of a day but the difference is making them be more conscious and mindful.

This helps reminds ourselves that we are making decisions all the time and know ourselves best. It’s like training wheels for when the big questions come along. We’ve got this!

2) After I ask myself the question, I pause

My impatient self wants an immediate answer. Some things can not be “googled” and take time. Patience, trusting ourselves and letting go are the keys.

The Internet has been great for information gathering and bringing people together but it’s made it harder to give ourselves the space and time and to trust our own opinions and instincts before finding out what others think or “googling” it.

3) We are afraid of the truth

The truth is quiet and persistent. It may say over and over again the same shit like “I can’t stand this relationship and need to get out” , “this job is killing me and I need to quit”.

4) We don’t trust that we are bright and capable enough to make the right decision for our lives

This comes down to self acceptance and self-love, which in my experience does not come over night and is strengthened over time by the “fake it ’til you make it” approach.

5) We don’t like the truth so we look for diversions, including asking others for their opinions

For example, you ask some friends whether you should leave our job because you hate it and it’s destroying your soul.

Their answers, “you can’t quit!”, “oh no there you go again never satisfied”, “you need to stick it out even though you hate it”, “what will you do for money and how will your survive”, “it’s a tough job market and it’s going to be hard to find another job”, “it will get better, you have to put in your time first.”

You become even more confused and torn.

6) Someone’s advice has nothing to do with you

They believe they care about you and are looking after your best interests. However, they are not really thinking about you but themselves when they give you their advice. They are coming from their own fears and insecurities and they can’t help it because they are them and not you.

Go figure, the only person that can get into your brain and see through your eyes is you!

7) You feel guilty if you don’t take the advice of these people and avoid them.

When you meet one of these people after you’ve made the decision that is not following their advice, you may feel sheepish and guilty in meeting them. They may continue to give you the reasons why their advice is the best and be disapproving of your decision.

A question that may pop into your head at this time is what kind of “friend” is this and do you want to keep them in your close circle?

8) What sparks joy for you?

Gathering feedback from others on your decision whether you asked for it or not is fine.

What’s most important is keeping what rings true for you and brings you joy, and discarding the rest with love and thanks, the Marie Kondo way.

Marie Kondo, the Japanese lifestyle/cleaning guru, has had a profound affect on me and my life as she has for millions.

She advises to begin practicing the “what brings us joy” philosophy with our clothes as it’s the easiest place to start. I did that and gave away several garbage full of clothes I wasn’t wearing and didn’t make me feel good.

Little did I know at that time that this approach would seep into other parts of my life.

In making decisions now, I often ask first which option would bring me the most joy.

9) Answers come in their own time and way

In the waiting for the answer, I continue asking the question in quiet moments of mindfulness, whether watching a sunset, walking in nature, or being absorbed in something I love.

10) The truth stings at first and takes courage to admit

But not doing so robs of so much, in particular the impact on our lives and others in living with joy, honesty and purpose, and not wasting the little time we have on this planet.

During one of these quiet moments, I felt something tugging at me from deep inside like the child that is tugging at her mother’s sleeve for attention.

It kept on tugging and tugging at me until I said annoyed, “what?!”

The child looks hurt.

I feel bad so I crouch down to this child and finally listen to what she has to say.

She says proudly, “I have the answer!”

I look at her and say, “I know but I don’t know if I can do it.”

She looks up me puzzled saying, “I don’t understand, it’s the answer you’ve been looking for.”

“What would others say?” I answer

She replies, “It’s your life, I am your life, and if you listen to me we can do amazing things together. Do what’s in your heart please! Be courageous! I’m here for you!”

I give her a big hug and walk away, I say ,”I’ll see.”

She looks disappointed.

I have touched on the answer that I know is the truth for me.

The real question is whether I listen to my heart or walk away.

It’s not an easy decision to always follow our hearts and we often falter and fail along the way, and then some.

It’s part of the journey that in the end no one can walk but you.

Believing, trusting and listening to yourself are the cooking crumbs that will help you remember how to get back home when you get lost.

This posting is a taste memory of sorts, not of food but what it tastes like to follow our hearts, to be free, and not waste our lives doing what others want us to do.

I forget and want to remember.

This is why I write. Writing is my recipe.

What’s yours?

Originally published at Caroline Ishii.