One is not a lonely number
I am single this holiday season and it has been one of the scariest things I had to face. I didn’t want to be alone. What were the stories I was telling myself? That everyone else is in happy couples and in loving families, well according to Facebook posts, and it’s just me. That I am a loser for being single, especially during the holiday season. That I don’t matter.
How many posts do you see someone saying, “yippee, I’m single for the holidays and loving it!” And if we did, would we feel sorry for this person? Why is that? Is it because, in fact, something we all fear? To be alone, lonely, an outcast, in a family first, coupledom, babies in cute holiday outfits, sparkly Hallmark holiday?
Why do we, including couples and families that have difficult relationships, pretend that everything is “fine”, especially during the holidays at all cost. And what is the cost of this pretend show we put on? Exhaustion, stress, suppression of real feelings, with a long “to do” list of things we must get done before Christmas that is impossible to accomplish? And why do we do that? Because we don’t want to be alone or still? Busy is a choice after all.
When I heard this on a podcast from a speaker, that busy is a choice, I was angry. How dare they say that I fumed, don’t they understand what I need to get done! But the more I sat with this, and the more I looked at my life, the more I realized it was true and the questions that came up were: Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I push myself way too hard with impossible expectations that leave me exhausted and anxious?
I believe it’s because we don’t like ourselves. Who does that to us, except ourselves? We are our worst enemies at the best and worst of times.
If we’re having a good time, we’re wondering how long it will last, or are we just “lucky”, or worry about the other things or people who are creating problems in our lives. If we’re having a bad time, we make it worse by criticizing ourselves even more and using names that we would hate our worst enemies for using against us.
What exactly is the language we are using with ourselves? When I go inside and check in to see, it’s not a pretty sight. There are words there that I’m not proud of, especially during the holidays. Why can’t I find someone? When will I ever find someone? Why am I such a loser? Am I not worthy of someone loving me? If I only were… prettier, younger, slimmer, or fill in another prized attribute… then I would find someone and live happily ever after, right?
If we look at the stories we are telling ourselves, like a teacher looking at a paper that a student has submitted about their lives, what would we say? Wow, this person is so hard on themselves, I never realized what is going on behind that happy demeanour, should I give this person a fail because they really don’t know themselves or a good mark to encourage them and make them feel better?
At every moment, we have the opportunity to change our lines, our paper, and the mark we give ourselves.
It’s that easy and I know it’s not, to delve into feelings that are uncomfortable and where we don’t want to go, preferring to pick up that sweet instead, take a few puffs of a joint, or get a drink quickly, so those uncomfortable feelings go away, at least for awhile. But guess what, they are right there where you left them, so they will get bigger over time from my experience.
Back to Christmas and the holiday season. It is Christmas Eve here in Tokyo, and I am single and happy. What changed?
I finally listened to the lines and the stories I was telling myself and I realized I was being a helpless victim. Where I am confident in my work and in business dealings, when it came down to myself and fearful moments, like spending the holidays single, I would go back to being a child back in public school, afraid of not being liked, included or popular. There is so much that goes back to those days and keeps us hooked in those times when uncomfortable feelings come up.
The thing is we are not children anymore, and we have the key to set us free. This is one of the hardest things to realize and the greatest thing we can do for ourselves. By looking at the stories we are telling ourselves as an adult, we can ask, are they true? And, is there something we can do to change our story from being a helpless victim to a shining hero or heroine of our lives or the lives of others? How can we make ourselves happy instead of waiting for Prince Charming or Cinderella or someone else to recognize us, include us, and in fact rescue us?
What did I do? I battled my terrors of being alone and lonely and expected terrible state, whether it was true or not, head on and looked at my options.
I came to another country where Christmas is not celebrated in the way it is back home. There is Christmas music playing, incredible light displays, and fancy cakes, but it is not a public holiday and people are still working.
I took myself out of a situation that could be hard for me. I am protecting myself. Some of my friends said they have decided this year to take themselves out of negative family and other situations and are starting new traditions and ways to make themselves happier and more at peace. They are scared and don’t know what will happen, but they didn’t want to repeat the same patterns year after year that left them not feeling good about themselves and their lives despite the happy Facebook posts.
I am in Tokyo, single, but not alone. I realized that I can’t change the fact of being single, at least overnight, but I can control being alone and lonely. I decided to make a Christmas dinner for the staff that I am working with here on a book, more on that on a future post, with some of my favourite foods. It’s my way of saying “thank you” to them, to do something I love, which is creating and sharing food with others, and I am not alone. I made a choice. If I was back home, I could volunteer with those in need whether at a soup kitchen, seniors home, or hospital, or help someone that may be feeling isolated.
There are many options when we get out of the hole of feeling that we are alone and have no options.
I offer my thoughts because I know there are many people single during the holidays and it may be stressful and hard for you too. I heard that there are in fact more than half the population in Canada and US that are single, so I know I am not alone. Isn’t it time that we started to have these kinds of conversations then?
I have a dream that we can talk more about being single and feeling alone in an honest and open way so that we can help each other and create community. It’s a choice. This Christmas and always, I hope you choose “you”. Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Love, Caroline
Originally published at Caroline Ishii.
