Mindfulness in the city: The language of love

This post was first published in Nikkei Voice, the Japanese-Canadian national newspaper. It is dedicated to single people; in fact, are we not all single? We may be in a couple right now, but are we not single when we are born and die? I’ve had a hard time with Valentine’s because while I love pink, hearts, and chocolates and the thought of cupids flying around, and I believe we all need more love in the world, there was always something missing. This story is my reflection on this. Love, Caroline

Right: Caroline and her great crew creating a special five-course gourmet dinners for 100 guests in the Lord Elgin Hotel kitchen. (Left to right): David, Akiko, Ginny, and Caroline. Left: Boxing the special Valentine’s dessert for the five-course Valentine’s menu for the 100-person virtual communal table dinner.

OTTAWA — February is a time of red hearts and roses everywhere. It’s the time of Valentine’s Day, with couples cuddled in corners, speaking sweet nothings to each other. Or is it?

This is what we imagine it to be, especially if we are single. One big Hallmark event that you avoid because you are not one of those couples. Join the club! Or, you are in a couple, and it’s certainly not like the movies anymore. What’s wrong with us, you may think, and long for days past while looking enviously at smitten young couples in love.

All my life, I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. It’s great if you are in love and have a partner, but where does that leave the rest of the population? According to Statistics Canada 2016 census, one-person households became the predominant household type (28 percent) for the first time in Canada’s 150-year history and are growing.

My ex-partner used to say to me every day is Valentine’s Day. While I agreed with this, I soon realized this was a clever ploy because every day was not Valentine’s Day in our relationship.

Every year, I go into February with a bit of trepidation and stay away from social media, where I imagine young couples talking about their love for one another and what they are buying for the sweeties. Which I know is not necessarily true.

Zen Valentines

As chef and owner of ZenKitchen restaurant, I created a special multi-course surprise Valentine’s dinner. Valentine’s Day is one of the most popular days at any restaurant. At ZenKitchen, we had two seatings to fit the high demand. I loved planning for Feb. 14. The decorations were tasteful but not too much; the menu themed with love, in colours, mood, and aphrodisiac-type components like figs, ginger, and lots of dark chocolate. Romantic music played, and rows of tables of two lined the restaurant.

What surprised me most about the restaurant full of couples with the mood set, it was one of the quietest nights of the year. There were whispers and the clinking of silverware and glasses, but generally, silence.

I assumed this was from new couples that didn’t have that much to say to each other, now sitting face-to-face in a quiet setting for a few hours. Or long-term couples used to not saying much to each other while eating dinner, now being forced to converse without the regular distractions of everyday life. I could feel the stress and discomfort on the most romantic day of the year. And with each course brought out, I could feel the excitement and relief from the diners.

I don’t think this had to do with the amount of love in a relationship. It was too much at once, like trying to eat the whole buffet table in one sitting. And so far removed from their day-to-day lives. My experience with this made me realize that what you see as you peek inconspicuously through restaurant windows or on social media may differ from what is actually happening.

Another kind of love

I propose another kind of love during these stressful times with excessive negative news and the cold, grey winter days lasting longer than we would like. I found it a few years ago, and I’ve been unwrapping it ever since. It’s about self-compassion. Self-compassion is different than self-love.

On the Positive Psychology website, Courtney Ackerman, a mental health programs researcher, defines self-love as “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.” It’s about valuing ourselves as human beings worthy of love and respect.

Self-compassion

While self-love is probably something you will need to build up, you can choose to be compassionate toward yourself at any moment. I first learned about self-compassion through Tara Brach, a world-renowned mindfulness teacher, psychologist, and author. In her book, , when a friend said she was trying to be her own best friend, she was sad because she was far from this. Instead, she was more like her own worst enemy, throwing negative comments and criticisms at herself when she did something wrong. She could never please herself. I could relate.

Kristen Neff and Christopher Germen are the world’s leading authorities on self-compassion. Their book, Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook , defines self-compassion as “a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most-to be an inner ally rather than an inner enemy.”

The essential elements of self-compassion are loving (self-kindness), connected (common humanity), and present (mindfulness). Being loving is about being as caring toward ourselves as we are toward others. When we make a mistake or fail, we are supportive and encouraging, aiming to protect ourselves from harm. Or when life circumstances are challenging and feel too difficult to bear, we soothe and comfort ourselves. Being connected recognizes that all humans are flawed works-in-progress, and everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardships in life. When we forget this, we suffer, feeling isolated and alone.

Being present is essential to self-compassion because we need to acknowledge when we’re suffering and “be” with our pain enough to respond with care and kindness. Mindfulness allows us to face the truth of our experience, even when it’s unpleasant. With this awareness, we can respond in a new way, one that is more kind to ourselves and others.

Is self-compassion selfish?

Self-compassion conflicts with the messages we and others tell ourselves about being humble and kind, helping others before ourselves, and being good Japanese Canadian community members. It’s easy to forget about ourselves. I often forget to include myself in what I am doing and in my life.

I will want to do something or check something off my long to-do list, but I forget to check in with myself. How am I feeling? Do I want to do this? Do I have the energy and will to do this, and why today? And if not, what do I want instead? I end up suffering, if not right away, then later when I am exhausted. And there is anger, frustration, and blame.

Brach says that “anger, judgment, and blame create separation from our inner life and world.”

From my experience, it’s a sign of victimhood, feeling helpless, and wanting someone or something to save us. Brach says, “only by releasing chronic blame can we free our hearts to give and receive love truly.”

Self-soothing

I’m often hard on myself for not doing this or that, that I should be doing more of this, or that I shouldn’t have done that. Noticing when we do this is the start of self-compassion. It’s hard to tell ourselves we love ourselves. I could never do this, and when the self-help books would encourage me to say those words to myself every day in the mirror. I felt like a phony.

There is an easier and kinder way. Just being with yourself, like a mother with a hurting child. Putting your hand on your heart, breathing deeply, feeling the pain, and listening to what you need. I like the term self-soothing that some professionals use for this action. Often used to describe strategies to calm children, why not adults? Why not ourselves?

Passing on the love

Many of us saw our parents work hard and our grandparents even harder. It was about self-sacrifice, struggle, and pushing themselves to work more and prove they were good citizens. Their response to society’s racist views of Japanese Canadians at the time affected their thoughts, behaviours, and habits, which became the norm and their personality. Over time, they became defined by their struggles and working hard to prove themselves, even when they didn’t need to struggle or work hard anymore.

The greatest argument about bringing self-compassion to ourselves is so that we pass on to future generations an easier, more loving way to treat ourselves.

Joe Dispenza, a neuroscientist and international lecturer, says that we are victims when we allow something in our outer environment to control our thoughts and feelings. And this gives away our life force and power. It’s time to take back the life force and power that those before us felt forced to give way. Creating a healthier and happier future that they dreamt of starts with each one of us.

“Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world,” says American actress Lucille Ball.

The language of love

During this month of love, it’s a good time to bring more self-compassion into our lives and connect with what we love. This may include chocolate, flowers, a lovely meal, or whatever the language of love is for you. It’s not about hoping, expecting, and waiting to find love, but finding love where it already exists and is waiting for us. Within.

Will you be your Valentine every day?

Originally published at http://nikkeivoice.ca on February 14, 2023.