How stepping back can move you forward
Vestigia Nulla Tretrorsum
This was the motto of my high school, Runnymede Collegiate Institute in Toronto, translated from Latin as “we never go backward” or “no retreat”. I would cheer with the rest of the teens in the auditorium when the principal would say this at the end of his addresses, but I didn’t get it.
Decades later, I still don’t get it. Actually, I’ve come to realize that sometimes it’s best to take steps backward before moving forward.
Our lives are hectic and stressful, and we often don’t make the time to reflect on whether the direction we are heading is the right one and if we need to change course.
In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, he talks about how easy it is to get caught up in the busy-ness of life, working hard to climb the ladder of success, only to discover that all this time the ladder has been leaning against the wrong wall.
Also, I’ve had the greatest learnings and growth when I have failed and had to retreat for awhile to lick my wounds before carrying on.
I wish we could change the negative connotation in our society around the word “failure”. What if we were to use the “find and replace” function in our mind to change the word to “experiment” or “testing” as is in a lab, and this lab is our life.
Failure was not an option for me growing up with a strict Asian mother who would criticize me no matter how well I did.
Coming back home from school, I would proudly say to my mom, “I got an A on my project!” She would reply,” why not A+?”
What ever I accomplished was never enough for her and I grew up to to be an adult who felt I was never enough.
I ran away from home in my late teens to leave my mom behind, and my mom died some 30 years ago, but she is still with me in many ways. I have continued where she left off to criticize, berate, and not give myself slack. I have become my mom!
And to make matters worse, I often ended up with partners that would treat me in the way I felt I needed to be treated. Any pain and suffering felt familiar and normal to me.
“You will not allow anyone to abuse you more than you abuse yourself. If somebody abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you will leave. But if someone abuses you just a little less, you’ll stay, because you believe that you deserve it”
-Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
I say “Hello Suzie”, which was my late mom’s name, to acknowledge that she has come back when I’m in a self-abusive victim mode. On better days, I can say “thanks, mom, I’ve got this”, but on other days I let her stay way too long so she can help me wallow in this self-hate for me and my life.
Suzie hardly visits anymore, well not in the destructive way as she used to. I sometimes feel her light touch when I am cooking and sharing food with others, going food shopping in unique places, or traveling, all things that she loved to do and would light her up. I wish she could have received the help she needed and had more of these moments.
My mom didn’t realize that she had a mental illness that could have been treated and it wasn’t discussed openly in those days, even now.
This is what compels me to be honest and open about my experiences, to remove the shame she must have felt for being “damaged”. I like to think in doing so, I release not only hers but the collective shame of all those who feel they are damaged when they are just being human and need help.
I’ve changed my mind that the word “try” is a good word to use all the time.
Here’s why. I was working with Burmese political refugee trying to learn how to make some food from him in a restaurant. He didn’t have very much English. As I was trying to make the food, I said, “I will try”. He replied, “no try, do” in a serious tone. I was offended at first how and thought, how dare he tell me what to do, I am trying my best, isn’t that enough?
But when I reflected on what he said, I realized he is wiser than me.
There is no such word as “try” in many cultures and probably weren’t used by our ancestors much. When they came on a ship from another country, it wasn’t a try scenario, you just did it because you had to. When they came to Canada without much, it wasn’t a try and see what happens, it was work hard to provide for the family and make it despite the odds.
It was in fact the“Yes We Can” that became the popular slogan of the Barack Obama’s 2008 presidential campaign, adopted from the United Farm Workers founder César Chávez who popularized “Sí, se puede” (Spanish for “yes, one can” or, roughly, “yes, it can be done”) and worked hard to improve the conditions and rights for unionized labourers.
In the case of my Burmese co-worker, he risked everything and left everything behind, including his fiancee and family, to make it to North American from Burma. His goal was to make money to help those he left behind. There was no question of whether he would work or not, or what kind of job he would take or not. He worked long hours and when I asked if he was tired he would say, “yes, but this is work”.
This is the story of many immigrants coming here.
Now every time I’m scared of trying, I think of my Burmese co-worker and plunge in. I go for something with all my gusto, a “can do” attitude, not waiting for a better time, because there is often not.
Speaking of plunging, I am holding a gourmet vegan dinner on October 1.
I haven’t cooked like this for some four years since I left the restaurant and even before that when I held pop-up dinners before I opened the restaurant. I felt it was time and I am ready. I am excited and scared.
After I left ZenKitchen restaurant, I didn’t know who I was if I was not the chef-owner of the restaurant I had created. It was my identity, and I was heart broken that I had to leave it and felt lost without it. Friends, family, and customers identified me with it and being a chef, and wanted me back. I was confused because what I had loved was hurting me and I needed to let go.
The road to here hasn’t been easy and it’s still not easy.
I have been letting go of most of my physical possessions, and the emotional possessions have been harder to let go of, with a death grip around each memory that I hold on to, many not serving me anymore.
In this clearing, I found one thing that I loved and brought me joy, the pop-up restaurant concept before I started the restaurant and the special community that gathered around it.
I feel it is time to let go of what I had, to create new memories, and I want to share this with friends! And I have a compelling reason: I need funds to get me to Japan to finish my second book!
This pop-up dinner will not be like the past ones I did about a decade ago before the words “pop-up” and “vegan” became mainstream. Many things have changed, including no longer being with my ex-partner Dave who worked with me on the first pop-up dinners in all their glories and challenges.
After building ZenKitchen from the ground up, I understand that anything you want to achieve involves hard work, especially at the beginning. I also believe that nothing great is achieved without the help of friends and community, and therefore former co-workers at ZenKitchen are helping me in the kitchen, friends have offered to help in different ways, and I am asking old friends of ZenKitchen and new friends that know me without the label to attend. I am deeply grateful and it will be fun!
We can sometimes go back and relive times from our past. Though like trends that come back, they may seem the same, they never really are. Because we change too.
“Change is the only constant in life,” said Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher
I have had incredible learnings and growth over the past few years, which I know is a continuous process if I let go. I am still passionate about wanting to create great good to be shared with others at the table, where I believe magic happens.
An old Italian proverb, says, ‘A tavola non s’invecchia’: ‘At the table, one does not grow old.’
Originally published at Caroline Ishii.
